We all know one of them.
You know who I’m talking about. The “my way of the highway,” Type A personality. The ones who always seems to get his way, whether or not the people around him feel like cooperating.
We label this kind of character “assertive.” He knows what he wants and he’s not afraid to ask or even demand for it. He can be difficult to be around at times, partly because we’re secretly jealous that we’re not more like him in some ways.
Godzilla was assertive. Joseph Stalin was assertive.
But you know who else could be categorized as assertive? Martin Luther King, Jr. Oprah Winfrey. Michael Jordan. They’re magnetic. They move masses and have a huge impact on the world around them.
Obviously, we want to be more like the latter group than the former. How do those of us who need a little more assertiveness move forward without stepping into Godzilla territory?
Note: reader Arthur R. asked me to tackle this question when I asked for suggestions on topics to cover at the beginning of January. Honestly, I’m glad he brought it up. I’m not the most assertive person — my natural disposition is quite the opposite. That’s how I was raised. Thinking about this piece has been helpful for me; I hope you get something out of it as well.
Why We’re Not Assertive and How to Change
I don’t think there’s any denying that personality traits like assertiveness or passiveness are largely grounded in 1) upbringing and 2) genetics. Some of us grew up watching our role models play professional doormats; others saw dominant examples. And there are innumerable stages in between complete passivity and steamrolling. How do we get around that now that we’re adults?
Let’s look at what assertiveness is at its core.
One definition of assertive is “confident and direct in claiming one’s rights.” This gives us a big hint at the actions steps we can take to tweak our level of assertiveness.
In order to claim one’s rights, one must first know what those rights are. Then, one must firmly believe that they are intrinsic, inalienable rights — you deserve to experience and enjoy them.
My observations lead me to believe that most passive people are stuck at this point. Lack of confidence is a surface issue. The root of the problem is that they lack clarity and conviction; clarity about what they want and conviction that they deserve it as a God-given right.
Without clarity about their rights, how can anyone assert themselves? And if they “know” their rights but don’t believe they deserve them, why should they risk anything by taking initiative?
If Billy thinks no one cares about his ideas on how to improve sales, if he doesn’t believe he has a right to be heard, he’ll probably never lift his voice, even though he knows his ideas will work.
If Billy doesn’t believe he deserves clients who pay him $10,000 for his services, he’ll continue settling for ones who pay $500, even though he feels miserable doing so.
Clarity and conviction pave the way for confident action. When you get a clear vision of what you want and feel the conviction that you can have it (as Super Bowl champ Russell Wilson asked “Why not me?” The other guy isn’t more deserving than me) you can begin to assert yourself confidently. Or, you can start building confidence in your skills, knowledge and ability now that you’re free from the paralysis of ambiguity.
Miscellaneous Thoughts
Assertiveness is not inherently self-centered. Being passive can be every bit as egocentric as being assertive.
Not speaking up is not a virtue. Letting other people “win” is only a good thing to do with children. Passivity based on fear/self-preservation or some twisted sense of victimization or martyrdom (“Look at me, always taking one for the team. I’m such a nice guy!”) is nothing to brag about. And it’s still all about you.
Assertiveness can be used to benefit other people. I mentioned Dr. King earlier. He was assertive, but not for egotistical reasons.
Accepting low fees is not the only manifestation of a lack of assertiveness. Many times, we mask our insecurities by sticking nice-sounding names on them.
- Relationship marketing, a.k.a. cowardice when it’s time to ask for the sale
- Inbound marketing, a.k.a. taking 3 years to “build trust” when people may be ready to buy NOW
- Artificially long sales cycles, the result of letting people stay leads too long. Putting a crazy marketing idea in place can fix that.
Your Action Steps
1) Take ownership of where you are now. Regardless of genetics and upbringing, it’s your responsibility to get where you want to be. You can overcome nature and nurture!
2) Get really clear about what you want in life, in business and/or in specific situations. That clarity is the first step to establishing the right kind of assertiveness.
3) Establish in your mind that you deserve to win. There’s no reason you should forfeit anything you want (as long as it’s moral, legal and scientifically possible).
4) Expand your confidence. Work for mastery in your chosen areas.
5) Attach yourself to something bigger than yourself. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, truthfully I think, that “The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.” Don’t become self-absorbed with your growth and success. That’s what leadership is about.
6) Use your powers for good, as it were.
Have a productive week.
